Category: Philosophy

I guess I needed new clothes anyway :/

Winner BadgeI have just been lucky enough to be chosen to take part in a new involuntary program called the “clothing for the poor” garment redistribution program. It’s a really great program. Basically the way it works is that you leave a bag full of your clothing (although you must make sure it’s almost ALL your clothing) on the back seat of your car and then park it on a busy road in the leafy suburb of Newlands. Right next to the presidents house if possible.

Then, if you’re lucky enough, you get randomly selected and someone smashes the back window of your car and steals the huge bag leaving you almost literally with the shirt on your back.

Ok, now I’m going to get philosophical and anyone who’s looking for reasons to hate this country better stop reading.

I am rich. I have a friggen 2 litre polo that chugs petrol like a bergie downs Late Harvest. On the weekend I bought myself a new macbook even though my HP laptop is in perfect condition. I have an xbox and I shop at woolies. I live in a comfortable flat with high speed internet access and shiny kitchen appliances.

Why am I telling you this? Because when some people go through experiences like having all their clothing stolen they get negative and angry and lash out against the country, the government and the police (and/or whichever racial group they decide is responsible).

I am choosing to deal with this differently.

I am so incredibly privileged to be in a position where I can go to canal walk and punish my credit card buying new clothes, phone up my insurance company and get them to replace the window and carry on as if nothing ever happened.

Compare this to the situation that millions of South Africans face on a daily basis. No running water, buckets for toilets, shack fires that destroy every-last-thing they own and no way to protect (insure) themselves and their possessions from the ravages of crime.

Sure it sucks to have my stuff stolen, but I would be acting like a spoilt brat if I let this dictate my outlook on life for even a second.

I hope like hell that someone who needs them enjoys wearing my clothes.

The saddest thing… My Superfine (now called Civil Twilight) extremely limited edition (ie. We only made a few) shirt was in the bag. Guess that will be making someone else millions on ebay one day.

ath.

(In case you’re wondering about the image, I had some time on my hands waiting for the insurance people to call back)

(oh, and yes, I know I was HUGELY STUPID to leave a bag in my car. Thanks for reminding me)

Africa is family…

Recently I’ve noticed a lot of people saying stuff like “If the rand gets any worse I’m leaving…”.

While I don’t blame you for your sentiment, I would like to point something out. Living in Africa, specifically South Africa comes with its own set of pros and cons… a set which are as unique as our curious culture.

We live in a fascinatingly evolving time. South Africa has its crime, poverty and education issues, but we also have the singularly unique position of hope for the future…

Ten years ago, while the first portable MP3 player was hitting the shelves in America, we were in the midst of one of the most important political revolutions the world has ever seen. Ten years on they have the iPhone and an economy that is teetering on collapse, oil prices that have skyrocketed and more debt than they can possibly ever escape from.

Perhaps you would rather live in the UK? Healthcare issues, increasing crime, increasing debt, pollution, crappy weather and British people (I joke)… While I will always have fond memories of London, on the last occasion I was there (which was for 3 days) I couldn’t get over how it felt like things were slipping… Stuff didn’t look as neat as it did 6 years earlier and the people all seemed a little more depressed and negative than they did before.

South Africa, on the other hand, has potential and I’m already happier living here than I was when I was living in London. I have a good job, I work with good people, I get paid a fair amount (could always be more, joe), I have a wonderful standard of living and a great Afrikaans girlfriend. (Granted there are a lot of Afrikaans girls in London, but you miss the point)

And like I said, we have potential… We have about a gazillion unemployed people out there all with the potential to come up with something great. We have similar numbers going through our school system, which admittedly is a different system to what school was like 10 years ago. School, and ultimately African ingenuity, is preparing these kids (those who have a hunger to succeed) for greatness.

Just the other day I met two black guys from Guguletu who run internet cafes in the location and want to start up a Wireless ISP… These are not Rondebosh high school boys… these are boys who went to school in the township and are hungry to succeed. And the fact that increasingly more South Africans are earning money is what is making it possible… That is inspiring… if these guys succeed you know that their kids will have the opportunities that their parents never had. There are a gajillion other stories just like this.

Sure, there are stories of tragedy every day and at a level that is probably unmatched by any other countrty in the world, but, I like to take the Wikipedia approach… If enough people are working together towards a common positive goal we will exceed the forces working against us and ultimately live in a better country.

I don’t ever expect the roads to be paved with gold, but I’d rather live in a country with hope than a country of hopelessness. And there is Africa in my blood…

Microsoft Gold Certification means nothing…

Many years ago I worked for a company who was a Microsoft certified partner. This was a long long time ago and I must admit that back then I was quite impressed by the fact that they were Microsoft certified partners… until I started working there. Redmond hands out certifications like a crack whore hands out cheap tricks — indiscriminately and to anyone who’s willing to pay fifty bucks.

Needless to say, this morning I was reading my gmail when I saw an ad for a “Microsoft GOLD Certified Development Partner based in Cape Town” and being the sado-masochist I am I clicked on the link… it was one of those /showpage.aspx?page_id=36 sort of sites. Ugly, but not necessarily dodgy. I put an apostrophe in the page id to see if they were cleaning their inputs and behold:

Line 166: Octigon.Octane8.Containers.Page tempPage = this._page;
Line 167:
Line 168: while (tempPage.Id != 1)
Line 169: {
Line 170: if (tempPage.Parent.Id == 1)

This shows that the site is vulnerable to sql injection… which, while not necessarily implying that the site can be hacked, does imply that, given enough time, you probably could hack it or at least cause some damage. The page also pukes out all kinds of file paths and stuff that would be useful if you were trying to do them harm.

The point here is this. Why is a web development company who are obviously bad web developers Microsoft Gold Certified?

The answer can only be that Gold Certification means absolutely nothing.

Where is the love? – Chapter 1

Love is not something we generally associate with business — we don’t love most of the companies we deal with and more unfortunately, most people don’t even love their own jobs. If you’re in business it is more than likely that your company doesn’t love your customers (beyond what could be considered blatant cupboard/money love) and even if your company doesn’t hate its customers, it probably isn’t partaking in public-displays-of-affection towards them or even letting them know how they feel.You might think I’m joking. But you’d be wrong.

Unless you’re in the business of manufacturing leopard print kitchen appliances that only work in small Eastern European countries, the chances are that someone else is doing what you’re doing, and probably better. The longer I am involved with businesses the more I realise that most consumers seem to pick the companies they deal with in a seemingly random manner. It’s not really random, and there are plenty of books out there detailing why consumers act the way they do and if you care to study them you’ll probably end up with the same conclusion I did; that humans are herd-like animals, apparently no more intelligent at choosing which grassy hill to stand on then a pack of cows on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

cows2.jpgAnd this for the most part is reality… Consumers choose one company over another because other people are doing it and aren’t spontaneously self-combusting. Spontaneously Self Combustion seems to be the benchmark for good service these days. If the customers aren’t exploding the company must be doing a good job.

But like young Brook Shields felt in the first part of Blue Lagoon, there must be more to this.

Who is that first cow and why did he walk onto that particular hill? We know why all the other cows followed him — because cows are like humans, a little bit stupid.

That first cow was probably a lover.

He loved the feeling of the dewy grass under his hooves, he loved the way the mist sat peacefully in the lower lying parts of his hill. He loved how he could return to his perfect spot where the grass was perfect and the sun was perfectly aligned so as to warm up his bum and not be in his eyes. And how the tree was nearby for later when it got too hot and he wanted some shade… and the view… he loved the view. It reminded him of Scotland.

All the other cows went up onto that hill because that’s what cows do… that and our lover cow hadn’t yet exploded.

Consumers, as I have already pointed out, are a lot like cows. We do love to have the sun shine on our bums and not in our eyes. And when we find a company that makes us feel that way we generally stay with them for a long time.

Unfortunately companies are not grassy hills. Generally they suck. They take your money and give you just enough of whatever it is that they’re meant to be giving you so that you don’t go mad cow on their scrawny, dried up grass, no shady tree, hill asses.

In my imaginary little world I like to believe that that perfect hill is actually loving that cow back… loving how his hooves feel running down its back, loving how the cow stands in the same spot, chewing on his puke and gazing happily into the distance. The hill loves feeling loved.

There is a problem though. Cows don’t have money.

If cows had money our lover cow would become a perverted cow. He’d look to see which hill he could get for less and could he perhaps swap the tree for a small umbrella and maybe the grass didn’t really need to be real grass so long as when he ate it he didn’t explode.

This is what customers have become. Selfish perverted annoying little brats who make you angry and call you at 6:15 when you’re just about to go home and moan that their widget isn’t working just like you promised it would and if you don’t make it work RIGHT NOW they’re going to leave your company and start using that other company who’s customers also aren’t exploding.

And then we wonder why we don’t love our customers… and why they don’t love us.

There is another way. Love. Imagine if your customer loved you and the widget. Imagine if you loved your customer. You probably would have spent more time on that widget, setting it up just right because you loved the way the customer loved you when their widget was working perfectly… and if your customer loved you and their widget still didn’t work they’d call in the morning because they’d know it would be an inconvenience to call at 6:15pm. Because you loved them and they loved you.

You may think I am mad, but there *are* company-consumer relationships like this.

My idea of shocking Valentines gifts…

Moo.com LoveMy girlfriend and I have been noticing the ridiculous amount of utter valentines garbage that is being punted by the various retail chains… PnP, Clicks and yes, even you Woolworths!

Last night we were debating what the most hideous valentines gifts would be. I think we may have them.

For Her: Worlds Greatest Lover Trophy

Stylishly injection molded from recycled toilet seats, with a faux wooden finish sticker around the base, this trophy screams “I love you this much”. It’s also larger than you think. It must be able to hold a litre of beer. Perhaps that should be the serving suggestion. On second thoughts, perhaps “You’re my number one” would be more tacky?

For Him: Homemade Droewors Necklace

Nothing says I love you more than small pieces of dried flesh and congealed fat tastefully threaded together with a rusty needle you borrowed from your mom. To add that special something we suggest threading a “sweety pie”, foil and all, in the middle so as to create a stylish centerpiece of love.

I am so tempted to make one of these.

love

j.

I'm watching you Mr Zuma.

Perhaps this is too late? But it must be said… I’m watching you Mr Zuma.

Jacob Zuma is undoubtedly (short of being found guilty of some or other fraudulent activity, and even then one can’t be sure…) going to become our next president. He will be democratically elected in a free and fair election. He will ride to his victory by being the champion of the people. Well, I’m a people and I have some stuff to say.

I can look past the multiple wives. I can even *gasp* look past the womanising with one of his struggle comrade’s daughters… She was 31, a fact that the media repeatedly seemed unable to report — preferring the phrase “young daughter” instead. Bill Clinton was one of the better U.S. presidents with regards to policy and finance. He too had a womanising problem, but he never led the U.S. into a recession or sent their boys to die in an unnecessary war.

JZ was found not guilty. We have to respect the courts, especially in the political climate at the time… For those South African’s still living in a dualistic, white vs black world, you need to wake up and realise that just because the government is predominantly black, doesn’t mean they all like each other. If Mbeki had wanted to, and our courts were flexible enough with their justice, one could assume that Zuma would have been found guilty… but he wasn’t, and to me that says that he probably was innocent. Bottom line: There were plenty of powerful people who would have loved for him to disappear… but he didn’t. However Mr Zuma, you have said some pretty stupid things; case in point being your statement in court about showering after sex with an HIV positive woman. Now I realise that unlike Mr Mbeki, you didn’t attend fancy universities overseas and learn about how not to stick your foot in your mouth, BUT, that was a pretty stupid thing to say. One that resonated throughout South Africa, and the world, like the sound of a bone snapping in some horrific youtube video of a guy falling off his skateboard. I hope like hell that you realise how much you made us cringe.

I must however admit that my overwhelming optimism is beating a path for you in the bush of skepticism that is my current outlook on your looming presidency.

You did not go to a fancy university and learn how to be calculated and politically correct, and inefficient. You are a champion of the people. (or at least you claim to be). You have spoken out against South Africa’s lack of response with regards to Zimbabwe. You have promised to work hard at eradicating poverty. You are essentially spouting all the rhetoric that is required of the non-incumbent, with one small difference… you might just follow through.

Case in point, Thabo Mbeki. Great guy, comes from a great family but about as politically active and efficient as the Queen Mother. I can’t think of anything he did besides not say stuff… even with your own fraud and rape trials, the very leader of this country spoke in calculated, non-committal terms and never once gave the impression that he actually had a point of view. While this might be the “presidential way”, it’s certainly not something that the “people” want.

South Africa does face a lot of unique challenges, foremost being the gap between rich and poor, which manifests itself in our high crime rate. Sure, we might have corrupt police chiefs and/or corrupt officials, but so do many other countries who don’t have ridiculous murder and rape statistics.

This is a grass roots issue… the average Joe needs to be able to get a job and live a dignified life before we can expect the crime rates to actually drop to reasonable levels.

I hope like hell that you truly are the champion of the people and will be the leader, not of a party, but of a group of knowledgeable South Africans dedicated to making South Africa a better place. I don’t care if you get another 10 wives in the process. This is Africa, we need an African leader. I just hope we’ve found a good one in you. And if the job wasn’t hard enough, you need to put the people first while not pissing off the middle class and the elite.

Ultimately Mr Zuma, history will judge you, not the media. Your term comes at a time where South Africans are still predominantly voting along cultural lines and no true opposition exists. You have, as they say, “got it in the bag”. But as South Africa matures there will be greater pressure from the people for a government that is not dominated by one party. South Africa is evolving… So Mr Zuma, take it as a foregone conclusion that during your term the pressure to govern with excellence will increase, perhaps not to the point where you or the ANC need worry about losing grip, but perhaps enough to highlight any cracks in your stature that might be showing… and if those cracks exist there will be pressure to purge you and appoint the new hero du jour… Mbeki took the safe option, he never stuck his neck out and as a result he can leave office without looking too bad, or too good. I think it is a foregone conclusion that with your charismatic personality you will be sticking your neck out… South Africa will be watching and hoping for the best.

The people might not be revolting, but they are fickle.

Ps. If you need any help with decision making, I’m always available on my cell.

J.

The mark of a true DJ…

Kitty’s party was on Saturday night. It was inside the Simons Town Naval Base. Two things struck me here.

1. Why do we spend so much any money on naval vessels for South Africa and then let people like me say “I’m here for the party” and drive right in… and I mean *in*! On our way out we got lost and ended up staring at huge friggen submarines just sitting there while we drove past. These things are big. Not USA nuclear submarine big, but still big enough to put a little frog in your throat as you run through what you’re going to say when stopped by 10 men with semi automatic assault rifles asking why the hell you are driving around “secure” parts of the naval base in your unofficial looking Polo.

2. You get two types of DJs in the world. Those whose names you recognise and those that have custom wooden boxes to carry the 400 cd’s they take to every gig. As a tribute to these legends of the underworld I present my top 10 ways to spot an underworld DJ.

1. Has home-made wooden boxes to carry the 400 CDs he carefully selected for this gig.

breathless.jpg2. Not only does he have the Kenny G Breathless CD, but he chooses to display it proudly as if it was some limited edition Vinyl of the Beatles before they were cool.

3. He will arrange all his gear out on the biggest table he can find and will have brought all manner of unnecessary equipment (FM Tuner etc) to the party… Because everyone knows, second to having a shit-ton of CDs with you, the next most impressive thing a DJ can do is have lots and lots of gear.

4. The speakers will be home made. The amplifier might be too but I couldn’t bring myself to look. There might also be an impressive array of home made or cash converters purchased “lights”.

5. He also has the latest Timberland.

6. Instead of playing a well know Tina Turner track, he will chose to bust out the one obscure Tina track that you have never heard, despite that road trip to Durban when you were 7 when your mom went through that Tina Turner phase.

7. He will play rave music… Not stuff that old people label as “rave music”, but actual, real deal rave music that the ex-ravers in the room recognize and start breaking out in a cold sweat over.

8. He will play Mambo Number 5 and the old lady in the wheelchair will wave her hands in the air like she just doesn’t give a fuck any more care.

9. He will have a helper, usually a younger relative who looks like he gets beaten up at school. This kid will be wearing his sunday best with his shirt tucked in. He will usually be found frantically searching through the 400 CDs looking for the Coolio – Gangstas Paradise CD… Despite the fact that this CD predates his birth. This is also known as child abuse. There is a small part of this child’s mind that is being infected with the idea that this is cool… that this is how he could make his millions and get the chicks. Child A-B-U-S-E.

10. Despite the shockingly random choice of music the people will be too drunk to notice and be shaking their whatnots on the dance floor.

Kitty it was totally rad seeing you and I can’t wait to spend more time with you before you go home.

j.

What did you learn in the last 10 years…

Watching a documentary on education this morning it struck me that I’ve been out of school for 10 years; I matriculated in ’98. Considering that I spent 10 years in “big school” I began to ask myself an interesting question.

Have I learnt more or less in the past 10 years since leaving school than in the 10 years I spent in school.

I guess the answer depends on what your definition of knowledge is. I’m trying to think of things I learnt in school. It’s a pathetic list. Jan Van Riebek in 1652, Dutch British Settlers 1820. Tightly packed molecules make a solid. Obviously there’s more, but it’s all anecdotal, incomplete or just plain incorrect.

I think the most important thing I’ve learnt since I left school is the joy of learning… That inate part of every human being’s soul that yearns for knowledge… that sponge that your school spent 10 years abusing with limited facts, half truths and parrot fashion learning.

I think I spent the better part of 3 years after I left school learning how awesome learning is again. Getting back that feeling of awesomeness that you had when you learnt a new word at 7 years old. The feeling of completeness that you got when you finished your first “big book”.

Perhaps I learnt everything I needed to know in those first 2 years… A to Z and how they make words. Everything else was so badly taught that I’ve spent the following ten years patching all the holes and erasing all the untruths.

I know one thing for sure: I’m going to teach my kids the stuff they’ll never learn in school, starting with the joy of learning. That, and they’ll have a huge map of the world stuck up on their bedroom wall from the day they are born until the day they leave my house. This planet is a incomprehensibly huge place and the biggest mistake you can make in life is to get too caught up in the insular little envelope that is your school and the 100 or so people who have an influence in your life.

j.