A public service announcement

It has come to my attention that a lot of people are using phrases like ‘totally flipping awesome‘ without knowing how they relate to events that are ‘friggin rad‘. In an effort to correct any misunderstandings I’m going to lay out a few of the more frequently used descriptors and their relative measurements.

Firstly, you need to understand and be able to identify the common units of measure. For example, totally-flipping-awesomeness is measured in awesomepoints while friggen-radness is measured in Rads.

Super implies a factor of 10. There are 1000 awesomepoints in 1 awesome. Therefore super-awesome scores 10000 awesomepoints.

Totally-flipping-awesome is slightly harder to distil to naked awesomepoints because of the conjunctive nature of using ‘totally’ and ‘flipping’ together. The most commonly accepted method is to multiply anything prefixed with ‘totally’ by 12.478 (Borat’s Constant). Flipping, as we all know, implies that the suffix is squared and then divided by 500 before applying any prefixes. Therefore Totally-Flipping-Awesome scores 24956 awesomepoints. (much higher than super-awesome)

As mentioned before, friggen-radness is measured in Rads (Named after Johannes Rad of the first naval infantry). At 6000 Rads an event reaches Radness. Friggen indicates a multiplier of 7. Therefore Friggen-Rad measures 42000 Rads.

Converting between awesomepoints and Rads is quite difficult as it requires first defining a constant using Brownian motion as a stable clock source. While many scientists disagree with the specific number, it has been widely accepted that the number ‘3’ is as ‘near-as-dammit’. ‘Near-as-dammit’ is another scientific term I will explain in a future paper.

Therefore if we convert our 24956 awesomepoints to Rads we see that Totally-Flipping-Awesome scores roughly 74868 Rads; Significantly higher than Friggen-Rad’s 42000 Rads.

Coming soon: Do you know how to convert between metric-shit-tons and imperial-pant-loads? I’ll show you an easy trick for conversions you can do in your head!

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2 thoughts on “A public service announcement

  1. Your final comment is wrong: pant-loads are the metric unit, shit-tons are clearly imperial. This dates back to the first sanitary engineers in Rome, where a shit-ton was defined as the amount of excrement that would fill a sewerage aqueduct for a length of one stadium.

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