Things that are currently pissing me off

Ok, this is the first in what will probably become a regular thing — Me ranting about things that piss me off… In the interests of all things sane I’ve decided to keep a list and then once in a while write a post, include all of them and call it done. Also, please note, I’m pretty sure my language wont stay family friendly.

Scientifically formulated Mr Muscle

Ok, basically this rant could essentially be categorised as bullshit fluff copy. From the actual Mr Muscle advertisement “Mr Muscle is scientifically formulated…” Oh.My.God! It is SCIENTIFICALLY formulated… It must be so much better than the UNSCIENTIFICALLY formulated stuff I’m using currently. Maybe it’s fictionally formulated using every second word in the seminal paper on the topic, Dr Seuss’s Green Eggs And Ham. I realise that people buy into pseudo-science garbage, but how much longer must we continue to dumb down the public.

Honourable mentions go to the the radio ad for a night club in Cape Town called Coup d’état. One line goes something like “Elevate your mind and lift your soul in our …” ARE YOU STARTING A GOD DAMNED CULT IN YOUR NIGHT CLUB? If not, please stop talking like someone who’s about to hand out the cool-aid laced with god juice so we can all go “home” via the space ship hiding behind Hale-Bopp.

Mobile “Content”

I think for quite a while now my number one pet hate is, and will probably continue to be, mobile “content”… and I put the word “content” in quotes because really, how god damned retarded has the world got that we actually pay money for someone to tell us what our name “really” means or whether your boyfriend’s name and your name = true love and picket fences. It’s a fucking equation… a pseudo mathematical random equation that some coder probably came up with in about 3 minutes. You’re better off flipping a coin and at least at the end of the coin flip you still have your R5. I’m not even going to talk about how stupid it is making serious life decisions based on a friggen SMS… Didn’t you people read MacBeth?

I think I might just come up with my own set of mobile content just to see how retarded the public really is. How about this: “The are you going to die tomorrow?” Quiz? Just sms “DieTomorrow” to 66677 and we’ll tell you whether you’re going to die tomorrow. Of course the service will always reply with a “No” and I’ll always be right… and on the occasion that I’m wrong, who gives a fuck, you’ll be dead.

Then of course there is … mobile porn… porn, on your phone. 3cm x 4cm of porn, on your phone. I understand that most of the people buying this stuff probably don’t have internet or are just so incredibly vacuous that they can’t figure out where to find porn on the internet, but still, it’s porn, on your phone. Pictures of naked woman, ON YOUR PHONE? I’m actually too annoyed for words.

I honestly hope that the only demographic stupid enough to spend money this way are so incredibly stupefied by the testosterone pumping through their voice-breaking, pimply-faced bodies that an act as retarded as wasting money on 100 pixel wide pictures of nude girls is somehow justified by the temporary retardation otherwise known as puberty.

Then we have the “oh my god, how stupid do you have to be to enter these things” competitions. This famous golfer can be quite a tiger, can you unscramble the letters in his name and figure out who it is. His name is “TGIER WOODS”. I swear, I would love to meet the person who is a. Clever enough to figure it out AND b. stupid enough to think that they are in fact clever and should waste R2 by entering.

Of course there’s always the Burping Frogs and other bullshit wallpapers, ring tones and assorted rubbish. I sat in a restaurant a while ago and even though the food was good, the only thing that went repeatedly through my head was: ‘I swear I’m going to stab you in the face with a pencil if you don’t stop playing that frog ringtone while I’m trying to eat; I don’t care if you’re 11, I will resort to violence

The only other thing left to moan about when it comes to cell phones are the “Dating Services”. Like Campus Flirt. They advertise on the radio constantly and every time I hear the ad all I can think about is that someone is going to die soon. Yes, its morbid, but look at the myspace murders in the states… Any time you create a channel for people to “flirt anonymously” you can be guaranteed there is at least one psycho waiting for someone to prey on. And unfortunately, as we’ve covered before, young people (and we know they’re not all over 18) do stupid things like agree to meet their new best friend somewhere private.

Most abhorrent about campus flirt is that you have to SMS “MEET” to some number… then they spell it out for you: M – E – E – T… just in case you were looking for something a little more serious.

Lastly, and this one is really a short technicality
Has anyone noticed that the SABC is running ads for their newly commercialised studios? You can now go and get your band recorded there etc. (Now I know that technically this has always been the case as a few of my friends worked in their studios for years, but now that they’re advertising it I’m starting to get annoyed). I’m paying my TV licence… It is the right thing to do… But don’t go and start using my charity (because I consider it charity) to fund studios and then make money out of it.

If the government of this country was stupid enough to give you the right to demand that every cathode ray tube owning household HAS to pay a TV licence fee or be fined, then you sure as hell better not be running a second commercial venture making money on the side.

The end.

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